Unintentional Gaslighting: Your Choice of Words Matters

Unintentional Gaslighting: Your Choice of Words Matters

A more commonly said word nowadays in pop culture seems to be "gaslighting" .

A number of people often dismiss an accusation of gaslighting as an attention-seeking scheme by overly sensitive GenZers and millennials. 

It is also often seen by some as a convenient excuse used by these young folks whenever they do not want to take responsibility for their actions. 

Thought of as a convenient way to evade certain unwanted consequences.

Gaslighting may be done knowingly and with bad intentions, but many times it is done unknowingly

and without any such bad intentions, in which case it is called–Unintentional Gaslighting.

Should an accusation of gaslighting really be put aside and not taken as a serious one? 

Not quite.

The focus of this article will be Unintentional Gaslighting and how choosing the right words may prevent us from gaslighting others unknowingly.

First, we try to explain some important things that will help us understand the topic of unintentional gaslighting better: 

Gaslighting can be a serious form of psychological abuse that may cause anxiety, depression and loss of self esteem to the victims.

You would not be wrong to say gaslighting is indeed a form of emotional and psychological bullying.

The American Psychological Association defines gaslighting as an attempt by the gaslighter to manipulate a person, the gaslightee into doubting their own reality, feelings or sincere perception and experience of events.

Gaslighting examples may be seen in the use of phrases like; “I never said that”, “I’m sorry that you feel that I hurt you”, “You’re overreacting”, “Stop being too sensitive”...these are gaslighting phrases in relationships that are very common.

Psychoanalyst, associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and an associate research scientist at the Child Study Center at Yale Robin Stern, Ph.D. identifies a power imbalance between the gaslighter and the gaslightee as the main driver and fuel for gaslighting.

The gaslightee, often for the fear of being left by a spouse or partner, being sacked by a boss, or for the fear of upsetting a mentor or a parent or a person they hold in high esteem–allows themselves to be put under this form of psychological control.

With that said, gaslighting may indeed occur in any kind of relationship. 

It could be a romantic relationship, at work between bosses, employees and coworkers, etc. 

As long as there is a power difference existing between the parties involved that the gaslighter may use to their own advantage.

The gaslightee is made to doubt their own perception of things and doubt themselves.

 

In many cases they are also made to feel as though they are overreacting when they voice out certain concerns, or that they are the guilty ones and should be made to take the blame for certain undesirable occurrences, even when that might not be the case in actual reality.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapist Navit Schechter - PGDip, BABCP (Accred), BSc (Hons)  in this article shows that always putting someone through this form of psychological manipulation could leave them in a state where they are beat down emotionally, depressed and left with a total loss of self confidence and self worth.

What is Unintentional gaslighting?

Unintentional gaslighting on the other hand occurs when someone, without any bad intentions, unknowingly gaslights a person through their actions or use of words.

Signs of Unintentional gaslighting.

If anyone asks the question; Can you gaslight someone unintentionally? The answer is yes.

You may be gaslighting others without even knowing it. Unintentional gaslighting happens a lot in relationships.

Hopefully these signs of unintentional gaslighting might help you do better in your verbal interactions with others.

Here are 3 signs that might indicate unintentional gaslighting:

• Playing the victim when accused of something: 

As defined in a Wikipedia article; Victim playing is a pattern of behavior where someone deliberately creates a false appearance of victimization. 

The person creates this false appearance of victimization so that they may justify abuse to others or manipulate others, while not owning up to the wrongdoing that they have been accused of.

Family therapist and Counseling Psychologist Christian Maciel, Ph.D. in this article says that people who like to play the victim always shy away from taking responsibility. 

Instead, they prefer to turn the table around on others with a counter accusation. 

This is a clear form of manipulation by the gaslighter that aims to evoke pity to the gaslighter's own advantage.

It might cause the victim to become doubtful of their own feelings.

The victim may eventually give in. They accept that they are overreacting or may have seen things from the wrong angle.

•  Showing Toxic Positivity:

Samara Quintero, LMFT, CHT and Jamie Long, PsyD of The Psychology Group define Toxic Positivity as "the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations." 

So you constantly maintain an outlook of positivity to the extent that you start to be in denial of the real and legit feelings and concerns of others. This in itself is a form of unintentional gaslighting.

Toxic positivity examples may include; Saying “it all happens for a reason” especially for religious reasons, brightsiding–which is an attempt to bury issues under positive thinking, telling people to always put on a smile regardless of the situation…these are all examples of excessive positivity that may be dismissive of one’s real and legit concerns.

We see that overdosing on positive vibes could actually be doing more harm than good.

You want to try to invalidate the emotions of others. You constantly dismiss their concerns with positivity and make them doubtful of their feelings even when they are real. 

While you think you might be helping others by doing this, you are indeed shutting them up and making them less expressive of their feelings.

University of Washington Associate Teaching Professor of Psychology Tabitha Kirkland, P.hD. says “With toxic positivity, we want to make someone feel better, but it doesn’t typically have the desired effect; it shuts the other person up,” 

This is in no way an attempt to try to encourage negative thinking or discourage positivity. 

You just might create more problems by trying to invalidate, or downplaying the real and legitimate emotional concerns of others.

You really should not dismiss these concerns with over positivity or toxic positivity.

Instead of doing that, try to pay attention to and actively listen to others. They might actually be going through real challenges that you might be able to help them out of.

Who thought there could be a not so good side to being positive… but it is important to always maintain moderation to everything in nature and not overdo it.

• Not wanting to apologize when someone says you hurt them:

Psychotherapist Beverly Engel, LMFT in her book titled "The Power of Apology" says; "A meaningful apology is one that communicates three R's: regret, responsibility, and remedy."

Giving a sincere apology to someone who has said that you hurt them shows that you are aware of their feelings, you have taken responsibility and would like to do better by them.

After someone says that you have hurt them and you find yourself constantly showing a reluctance to apologize, you might be unintentionally gaslighting them. 

You try to talk your way out of giving an apology, you make a case for yourself and try to justify your actions, you might be unintentionally gaslighting them.

Always trying to make excuses for your hurtful actions, instead of saying you are sorry, makes people whom you have hurt doubtful of their feelings and puts them down emotionally.

How Choosing the Right Words Might Stop You From Unintentional Gaslighting Others

Words are distinct elements of speech or writing that we use to communicate. We tell people our intentions, thoughts, feelings and ideas through the use of words.

As words are the basic tools of communication, they have an effect on our mental and emotional well-being and the mental and emotional well-being of those around us.

Psychologist Losie King Waller, P.hD. in an article titled The Power of Words puts it this way; "Words and verbal expressions exert a powerful influence over our mental health."

Here we take a look at how you might be unintentionally gaslighting someone by choosing to use certain words in your interactions with them.

We see in the following instances that a simple reconstruction of sentences and choosing the right words might be what is needed to prevent you from gaslighting anyone unknowingly. 

We look at these 7 gaslighting sentences and suggestions on how they could be better said:

• Gaslighting: You're overreacting!

Better: I now see how this is a very important issue to you, let's talk about it.

• Gaslighting: I'm sorry you felt that way.

Better: I'm sorry I made you feel that way.

• Gaslighting: That's not what happened!

Better: That's not how I thought it happened.

• Gaslighting: You're being too sensitive and paranoid!

Better: I understand your concerns, I'm glad you have raised them. I'll work on it.

• Gaslighting: You are just insecure!

Better: I'm sorry my actions made you anxious and worried. I promise to do better.

 

• Gaslighting: Your memory fails you. I never did that!

Better: I wish I could undo what I have done, but please help me so that I can do better going forward.

• Gaslighting: Can't you take a joke? Where's your sense of humor?

Better: I'm sorry I hurt you with my words, I didn't mean to.

Final Thoughts

Being aware of the feelings and emotions of those around us helps us build stronger and better relationships. We now recognise gaslighting, its harmful effects and that sometimes we may be gaslighting others without knowing it. Words deeply affect our emotions, so it is therefore important to choose our words kindly.